I need to get this off me...

I promised myself never to write about feelings and such in this blogg, but this is getting beyond me. Life is getting beyond me really, and I need to write all my thoughts down to get rid of them.
First off, I dislike what you did. And I do not know how to cope with it. Should I be nice, or should I scream, cry, hit you, hate you....? There is really not a simple answer to this in my opinion. If I scream at you, you start screaming back. Shutting me out from your world. Hating me. If I cry, you will feel even more stupid, and might do something idiotic again. If I hit you, you will hit me back. If I hate you, you will shut me out and not care... And if I'm nice, you will go on with your malfunctioning world. And, as it is now, probably not even caring about all the things I acctually do for you.
Come to think of it, I cried in your bathroom for a long time, and you never noticed. I do so much for you, that I suffer myself. And I'm even starting to feel like you really are taking advantage of me.

It hurts when you can save your strong side for someone else. That you think about others, talk to others, in a way you do not talk to me, or think about me. That I have to sweep all your tiny pieces in a pile, and glue them together piece by piece, while you run around with people trashing them again.

I know how you are being told to be thinking more about yourself, but you do not seem to get what you are doing. What exactly do you think you will achieve with drugs and alcohol? Of course that is what you want, but it is not thinking of yourself. It is destroying yourself. You are getting obsessed with it. You talk about it all the time. You value it more then other things in life, and you are loosing focus on the things that really matter.
The fact that you have submitted to a false truth about something being wrong with you, is also hurting me. You were so incredible mature and had all hope in life before. You managed to cope with school, and working on your vacation. When you started to think that you lost preacious things in life with living a mature life, you hit a wall. But damn, if you hit a wall then you are merging with the wall now. Somehow you are searching for problems that do not exist. You have all the possibilites to fight your way back in life. You still have a family that take cares of you, and supports you. All you have to do is revaluated what reallly is important in your life, and see what you want your life to be. Try to understand that some things in the way you are living now is not working out, and stop trying to blame personalitys that can be coped. That I could cope before.

But I have a big bad feeling that you do not care about us anymore. That you don't get that you choose a lifestyle with drugs, alcohol and bad rutines before your family. That thoose things are more important now. And that I am nothing else then a naive girl, thinking that you still might care about me. That you still are trying to get a good life. And not end up like a stupid alcoholist, without any future. Without being anything but a bad example for your own son.

I still think you could achieve so much in your life, why do you think being a drunk in a pub is something to look up to?

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